OP1: I would focus on the stupid question part, not the sorry part. Gahhh, autocorrect!! There were the summer vacation, the HR person got ill, the bureaucracy was awful, its better for payroll if you start the 1st of the month in the end the international relocation was the quickest thing! Restaurant has a 10 minute wait? Unintentionally. We got a bunch of cards for employees from US HQ and laughed at how American the practice was. Being gentle with her now wont help her in the future with bosses who arent as gentle. 4. It sounds like its getting to a point where it could imperil her job, and I hope shes able to hear you when you explain the seriousness of her situation. If I say Hey, so sorry to bother you, but, what I mean is I KNOW this is a bad time and you are busy but this is urgent enough that I am, in fact, obliged to interrupt you.. Say two of your friends mention . Id also add to the script a few suggestions of what assistant can do next year that will make her feel useful but not embarrass LW2. Im not dumb, I wasnt paying attention at a point when I should have been. OP1: Do you want to say that a different way? is going to come across as incredibly condescending. The four elements of emotional intelligence. I asked if everything was okay and she said yes, but I dont think it is. I think this is really patronizing and Id only say it to another adult if I was explicitly trying to be patronizing because they were being, say, sexist or bigoted in some way. Her: Oh, sorry. However, when I saw my new boyfriend would not blow up about any of those things, I realized that I needed to learn to manage my initial reaction, because reacting to him the same way I reacted to my ex did not make sense, and it was unfair to him to expect him to manage my reactions and emotions about something that was not about him. Yeahposter presentations as well as speaking presentations, fellowships, committees and memberships to professional organizations especially if they are on the board or received any awardsthese days Ive even seen them include things like Youtube videos and blog posts on the topic of their research or academic field not personal. That is a kind thing to do, even if it isnt nice., Its not the OPs job to manage her feelings, even if the employee has really strong feelings. Sure, but the boss gives her lots of positive feedback on her work and has reassured her multiple times that she is not about to be fired. Does she have everything she needs to do her job? I was also wondering about the legal aspects. Communicating a preference I dont like x is not the same thing as changing your preferences and spending your birthday differently than youd want to. The suggestions above about approaching the employee with kindness, emphasizing what shes doing well, and talking about the problematic behavior as holding her back d m her potentialI think this is how a boss should approach anyone demonstrating anxiety. Sure, but the hiring process is the candidates end of the interview that is how they get insight into how the company operates. Same (what a horrible thing to have in common). I dont think its a lovely gesture either. Especially in this situation the employee is trying to use apologies as a sort of social lubricant, and needs to be told that her apologies are having the opposite effect. Here are four steps you can take to manage a team with an emotionally needy member. A week past that deadline, I did email the department head for an update.and didnt year anything for a month (I was continuing to apply, and expected to get a thanks, but no thanks answer. Maybe LW applied for a high up position? You get sick more often If you are catching colds constantly, consider how you are feeling about your job. Just as you would love a similar gift, and thats also okay. About a year later, both the department head position and the one I interviewed for are still vacant. You need to not die because of a lack of medical care. Shes normally very bubbly and happy and she just hasnt been. Thats why it is framed as an explicit question. Calling myself dumb wont fix anything. The film was shot in New York City in May 2022. If you have a coworker who is always offering to help you with your . People get to decide how they spend their own birthday. And frankly I wonder if the assistant would have done this for a male boss. Addressing the first part is important, but you can also find ways to take the pressure off yourself: you know she does this, you know that you provide appropriate feedback and support (as you should for all employees, not just the visibly anxious ones), you DONT need to assign yourself primary responsibility for making her feel happier and more secure. But trying to coach her through it seems patronizing. I have to agree. But I can understand why some places do it. I figured out recently that I use stupid question to mean someone at some point really did think about this issue, right, because its about to blow up? or in your sense of I know I know this, Ive just forgotten. I never use it to mean I am an idiot and you are de facto better than me.. Yeah, I think tone is crucial here, but clearly lots of people hate this suggestion! She could probably benefit from a good therapist, if theres an opportunity to encourage that. Thats not really a fair assessment of whats happening, though. And went to HR to find out mine to celebrate it. I think right now its too early to say, and thus there is no need to say anything, but if it were the last week of August right now, and OP already knew/had scheduled surgery for October 1 and would be out all of Octoberdepending on a lot of details and the exact local laws, theres probably a scenario where it is legal to say regardless of why, we need someone who will be here almost every business day in October and the offer goes away. This was suggested to me as a part of some coaching that turned out to be effective. If a person is difficult or uncomfortable to work with it is the managers job to advise them of this and to help them change the behavior. But as her manager, I cant address the underlying issues (and I have encouraged her to try our EAP if thats something she thinks might help), and Ive tried for months to reassure her with absolutely no result. Im a lawyer and I try lots of cases. Everyone else will just have to deal. Part of moving on from stuff like this is identifying and defeating these thoughts and behaviors. Ive had good results by programming my subconscious. Because I cannot see how confessing, in a very lightly self-deprecating manner, that Ive been faking my confidence in a difficult situation demeans my co-worker. take it from the top You really need to explain normal behavior in the workplace. Id be very upset if HR was giving out my personal info. I just wanted to learn more about programming robots. Over here everyone just asks for your CV (although an american friend of mine applying for a job with a Belgian company in Canada was equally surprised at being asked for a CV). Pick out a bad movie to watch? So: Its difficult to work with you when you constantly apologize for routine work questions, and Id like you to work on stopping that. And then give a few examples to help her envision what she should be doing instead: For example, when you bring me a question about prioritizing, please just say, Should I do X or Y first? Dont tell me its a stupid question. And assume youll need to do some ongoing coaching too, since this is ingrained behavior that wont change overnight. Again, just the question, please?. And this is such a huge topic as some workplace norms are common to many places and some workplace norms are company specific. The LW herself said that the employee is a very anxious person and it seems obvious that its an extreme level of anxiety. I wish someone was like that toward me when I was nervous about something instead of throwing me under a buss or being supremely negative. LW#1, I think it will definitely help to phrase it in a way where she has a behavior she can perform to be correct instead of being correct hinging on not doing a behavior. Let them know that **because** you value them and respect them you want to help get rid of the things holding them back. Im in your camp, not one to note my birthday with what I consider childish decorating. The 8-hours interview is strange, but the timeline can happen. Dont address it unless she does something really inappropriate. Its especially needed if your report is young and doesnt have any examples of how things work in a healthy respectful place. Just be matter of fact the same way youd say, in this office the sticky notes are in the third cabinet, not the second or we use headphones rather than the radio, that way you can listen to Despacito as many times per day as you like. This year for my birthday, I put all my tax paperwork in a folder and got caught up on my client billing.). She's a little younger, but we get along well and have hung out once outside of work. LW3: I have had good reactions to using the second option Alison suggested a detailed relevant experience section followed by a much less detailed other experience section which just listed jobs, dates and employers with the odd bullet point where a particular skill was relevant. Dont withdraw from the process just because its taking longer; this is normal and not a horrible danger sign. Theres no possible way you would know from my exterior behaviour that I was in an abusive relationship; you would just think anxious misanthropic extrovert with a loooooooot of confidence, which is a very accurate description. If my intent is to have a quiet day, then why would my coworkers intent to give me a big flashy event be more important? whatever it is you do) and leave it at that. If possible, I would look into Glassdoor and ask around, in case an offer does come through, but this really doesnt sound excessive. So then again, basically the exact same behavior, but instead of centering it around saying you want her to remember to not apologize its that you want her to remember to phrase things more efficiently. I just dont love being the center of attention for personal stuff like this, and since our office culture doesnt really embrace celebrating birthdays in this way, I prefer to mark the occasion with something small.. without having experienced abuse. 5 Powerful Mental Shifts to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think It wasnt this guy, was it? The event wasnt particularly worrisome, however it was unusually stressful, and I just wanted to be left alone for a week. Or elevator conversations! And while I do think its a good idea to make clear how it can negatively impact a career, I think Id frame it differently from Alisons suggested script. :), Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Ask Amy: I'm unhappily single, and I'm hurt by what my co-workers say Sure, sometimes hiring is the only dysfunctional part of a business just like sometimes a date who gets really angry if his steak is undercooked just has that one single pet peeve and is otherwise a cool person. How else do we learn and do things if we do not ask questions? They eventually stopped using the word stupid in front of the word question. Its really uncomfortable for other people and makes them feel they have to manage your feelings. OP1, if the extensive apologising is that ingrained, your employee may have the hardest time switching it off entirely. The assistant was sweet. But its not the managers responsibility to deal with how someones mental illnesses or past traumas manifest. If its a high-stakes role, its possible that was reasonable.). Yes! But it seems clear from the letter that the employee does feel the need to minimize themself and I think the advice for dealing with that is spot-on. Practice a bit more empathy. This comment is unhelpful. I thought similarly, though I think shes more likely to have had an abusive boss who screamed at her for the slightest of things in the past if she apologizes for doing her job and existing. Bad bosses leave deep scars. Right, thats a large part of the reason for the no armchair diagnosing rule here (this isnt quite that, but its similar). Yeah, I think the gender issue is one worth discussing at some point as women in a male-dominated field (Im a woman in a field thats predominantly female but heavily male at the leadership level, so I get this), but if OPs goal is to smooth things over and assuage any hurt feelings, then this isnt the time for that conversation. Id go with Hey, youre apologising again. I think it does. That was what happened when I was hired for my current job. No ones saying the boss should be mean and harsh, but these kinds of behaviors can hold people back from progressing in their careers and it would be kind of OP1 to tell her that. Its understandable to know that internally you are flustered & need some time for a breakdown in a corner; thats fine. This would also explain the excessive anxiety. I like making people feel good regardless of how minuscule the gesture would be, even if thats no gesture at all. She perceives herself as failing even when others think shes stellar at something. It might not be specifically against the rules to speculate that someone has been abused, but speculation that they have been so badly abused that they are unable to function in normal society is speculation that they are mentally ill, which is against the rules. And I do get that women are more likely to put in the emotional work of putting together a celebration although that is not always true. The OP is clearly someone who will try to do this kindly, so I think they should be reassured that getting what they want is unlikely to hurt their employee and may actually help her. Thats probably a case of this specific interviewer is weird then. Federal FMLA requires you to have more than a certain number of hours over the course of a long time so both parties have some skin in the game, but it makes it very difficult for people to change jobs. Anyone your child meets on this field trip will, in the future, be Bud instead of stranger if they are sought out. I think its less an armchair diagnosis and more another perspective. My summers shoveling horse doo fully prepared me for the field of IT, Im very experienced with $hit hitting the fan. If I came in and my office was decorated, Im not sure what the heck I would do!!! Fortunately in our office it is rare to recognize birthdays. Theres a decent chance that theyll work with you on this and if they dont, its better to learn that now than later on. For LW#2 Id probably encourage the admin to join whatever bday committee exists (if there is one at the workplace) or steer her enthusiasm to other employee-recognition tasks. However, I can see a scenario in which the boss says, I am willing to help you retrain yourselfIll point it out in the moment, and if youd like to rephrase, as practice, Ill wait patiently while you do.. IKR? Reasonable to you isnt necessarily going to work for the employer. I understand the impetus but you dont need to apologize.. should have specified that I dont subscribe to the in trouble concept if someones having a big problem with someone who works for me, I need to know about it, and this isnt high school and Im not the principal but that generally employees dont want to call something to a managers attention unless its really bad. I would find it really weird to see something with employment gaps, BUT its also the norm here to get CVs rather than resumes, and CVs really are meant to capture the whole course of an employment career.